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2.23.2009

How do you fight?

Ok, this may seem strange, but with the changes in the economy, and all the people around us loosing their jobs, I have heard many a couple who have fought. With the numerous families in our ward out of jobs, there are at least 2 couples who are separating.
Usually fights seem to be about something that builds, and builds until too late. So, my question is: How do you fight with your husband?
I have recently read an article explaining that instead of starting the fight with "You never, You always, and You can't" start with "I feel, I think, or You seem to be upset"
The worst thing we can do when times get tough is turn on our spouses. We are in it for eternity, and who wants to spend eternity with someone they don't like here on earth? :)
How do you disagree, then make things better. Do you ever go to sleep mad? How do you work through your differences? How do you let your kids know that you are not mad at them?
I know there are a lot of questions, but maybe we can talk this out and help someone!

5 comments:

Oesterle Family said...

My husband and I were just talking about things we can do to strengthen our relationship. I know that with my husband he can get grumpy fairly easily and I take it as he's mad at me...and sometimes he is...sometimes it's job stress...the list goes on...but he needs time to be grumpy and then usually lets it go. If it's something more serious then we'll talk. We have been re-working our budget to try to alleviate some financial stress. We have also tried having "Family Counsel" regularly to try to make sure we're on the same page.
I still feel quite new at this I am looking forward to other's suggestions!

Cassi said...

Good question! I hope people give some good tips... because everyone fights!

The problem with me and my husband is that we deal with argument differently. He kind of just wants it to go away and I want to talk talk talk. I can't sleep until we're ok and he'd rather sleep and talk about it in the morning.

I think what helps is realizing how your spouse responds and not taking it personally. And decide beforehand how you will deal with conflict so when it happens you have a set of rules you follow before it gets too heated. Definitely say "I feel" instead of "you never/always". Be willing to compromise and see the other person's side. And most importantly... Never fight in front of your kids. I think it's healthy for them to know you do disagree with each other sometimes but it's not healthy for them to see yelling, name calling, etc. Especially when the argument is about something that involves the children.

Anyway there's my opinion! :) Sorry it was long... i took a marriage communication and a marriage enhancement class in college.

Shalee said...

I love this question! Like Cassi, my focus in my undergrad was on building healthy family relationships. I really believe that we can be better moms if we are constantly strengthening our marital relationship.

I'm a big believer in preventative care. I think we need to build resevoirs of good experiences, love and patience for those tough times that hit our family--whether it's financial problems, job loss, or disease. Every family can have unique problems to fight about but most of the preventative solutions are all the same (i.e holding weekly Family Home Evenings, couple prayer, and spending quality time without the kids-DATES!)

I definitely go to bed mad some times because the "fight" was most likely caused by my sleep deprived state. I'm always thinking more clearly and rationally after a little shut eye...but I never let a fight go more than 24 hours.

I don't think being different is a defect and most of our disagreements arise because we are different and we think it should be done our way. My husband and I have different views on discipline and we could choose to fight about it all the time or we can choose to compromise and make a plan using techniques from both of us...even though I'm always right. Ha ha...I'm totally kidding.

I also think service is a big part of preventative care. It's hard to get mad at someone when they've just made you dinner, or cleaned up all the dishes, or rubbed your tired feet. It seems to me that service invokes a feeling of humility and not many fights arise from humble hearts...rather it's always the pride in us that causes it.

Bridget said...

This is a great question and I don't really have a great answer. Like others have said, we really try to work on the preventative side. We hold a family counsel to talk about goals and things we need to work on and that has really helped make sure our priorities are in order. Money also isn't a big issue for us right now, because we don't really have any (my husband is in grad school), but we do set a little aside as an "allowance" to each of us so that we have some room to get what we'd like without having to talk about every little thing. The times I remember getting really frustrated since we've been married it was usually because I didn't just tell him what I thought and let it boil inside of me (when we were first married he was in charge of the dishes and I would fume if there were dishes left in the sink, while he was trying to be efficient and do a ton at once. I kept getting madder until I finally said something and I ended up feeling silly because he really hadn't known it bothered me). There are tons of things to disagree about, but just trying to keep communicating really helps us so that we don't actually end up "fighting" just having differences of opinions.

cannwin said...

*clears throat*

Never fight with your clothes on.

It'll kill any stupid argument faster than any other method. ;)